A Letter Worth Sharing

My Dearest Jordan ,    

     I am almost uncomfortable writing you this letter, because I haven't talked to you in such an intimate loving way in so long. Too long , actually. You see, out of fear I haven't said to you the very words you've been needing to hear. So let me get right to it, before some distraction comes and snatches up all the courage I have mustered to write this. You are worthy of love. I know both my actions and words  have  told you different for years and years,  but YOU DEAR ONE ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.  True love is unconditional. I have come to believe that any other kind of "love" is not really love at all, but a very well disguised version of hate. I don't want to hate you anymore. I never want to hate you again! I only want to have the real kind of love. The kind that says no matter how many dumb things you say, or wrong decisions you make , you are still worthy. The kind that CHOOSES to embrace you, even when you feel there is no reason for me to.
" Love is patient, love is kind..." I want to be patient with you. I want to understand that you are learning just like everybody else. That you are on a journey. I want to be kind to you. I want you to know that even if you feel like the whole world is against you, I am on your team. I want to delight in the process of you growing into the woman you were meant to be. I'm so sorry for coming against you so often. I'm sorry for letting insecurity, pain, fear, disappointment, anger lead me to say things to you, that you never should have heard anyone say . I'm sorry for not protecting you , I let you listen to things that told you that you weren't enough. Things that left you feeling like you had a lack that was impossible to fill. I'm sorry for telling you that unless you met an unrealistic standard , you could not be loved. I'm sorry for REFUSING to love you, and REFUSING to let others love you, when it was what you needed the most. I'm sorry for letting you live in the lie, that holding back encouragement, love, grace and patience would help you accomplish the things I thought you were doing wrong. All along it was really those things you needed. Those things that would propel you into an understanding of God the Father and the meaning of grace. The things I withheld from you, are the things that were meant to give you the  boldness to change the world, and the faith to walk open handed into your destiny. Your Destiny. Let me tell you, your destiny loved one, has been written in eternity. It is one that is so full of goodness, passion, love, adventure and glory, there are angels assigned to making sure you get to experience it. From the begging of time as we know it, you have been on the heart and Mind of the most holy family of all time. There has been a war for your soul, because a lover will die for the one He loves and that He did.
You really are beautiful. I know, you're probably looking down and thinking of all the times and ways I have told you the opposite, but I didn't  know what I know now. I didn't realize that you literally radiate beauty. It's written on your heart in such a way, that you can't help but make things beautiful. People are drawn to you everywhere you go, because the Delight God has in you shines on your face. Jordan, from now on I am going to protect you. I am going to remind you everyday that you are chosen. That you are loved, cherished, valuable, important, that His thoughts about you are more numerous then the grains of sand. The funny thing about sand is that more is always being made! The thoughts He has for you are LITERALLY never ending. You are incredible. You make people want to know Jesus. You are going to change nations. There is NOTHING , I mean NOTHING you COULD EVER DO, that will make you worthy of hate. I know this, because truth Himself told me so, and how scary a thought it would be to disagree with Him. I don't know what this will all look like, but I know that I refuse to go back to the way things were. I will do everything I know how to love you, and will constantly be open to new even better ways of doing so. I will let other people love you, and even reassure you of the reasons why they do when you start to doubt. I can't promise I will never let you down, but I can promise that it will only be better from here. The truth is if I can't love you, then I can't fufill the second greatest commandment of all time. " Love others as you ..."
                                                               Love,
                                                                     Yourself

The Comparison Epidemic

        After a long night of restless thinking I decided to write a more vulnerable post. The temptation of comparison is almost constantly knocking on my brain and sending piles of hate mail to my heart. Comparison is the kind of evil torture that you can’t escape because it is literally everywhere. The porn addict can throw away his computer and the person who eats too many donuts can start shopping at a health store, but what can the person who is never satisfied in their own body do? There is always someone more beautiful. Whether it’s someone with a more delightful personality, with more talent, more hipster pictures on instagram, more ambition or more enthusiasm, there is always someone with more. They are the someone’s who remind us of the lack we believe to be living with. But, through this vicious habit, I have begun to think more deeply into what beauty is…

   Beauty  noun:  

1.       a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that is pleasing.

     This definition produced in me a revelation that I believe will change my life. It does not say that pleases men, or pleases woman, pleases vogue magazine, pleases facebook, pleases those random people you are sure were judging you at the mall.  You see, even as the world tries to define it,  beauty is subjective. In Asia there are woman buying soap to lighten their skin, in America there are woman spending hours under harmful rays to darken their skin. In Europe there are woman throwing up every meal to get rid of the roles on their tummies, in Africa there are woman begging for food so they can finally have a full tummy... 

I can buy the most in style clothes, have an awesome hair cut and wear the perfect make up, and I will still never be satisfied. Even if I did manage to look just like the girls on the t.v  it still wouldn’t be enough, because the honest truth is

 I will NEVER be beautiful, until I believe I am.

 American culture has defined beauty, as something that has to be worked for, something that has to be put on. I absolutely refuse to believe that this is the extent of what we were supposed to know as human beauty. I have a complex body. My legs can dance, my arms can embrace, my hands can create, my eyes can see, my lips shape words that inspire and my mind can change the world… isn’t that beautiful enough?

Our bodies are the homes that hold our soul… that, is beauty.

I hate to seem dramatic, but beauty is either spiritual and deeper than we think, or it is completely unattainable and fake. Don't get me wrong, I believe that attraction is very real and not a bad thing. I for one am attracted to bearded mountain men, and am more attracted to myself when my hair is curled, but letting those things shape my idea of beauty is ridiculous. Just look at it this way... if physical attractiveness determined whether or not someone was beautiful, some people would never have a chance. Is the woman who has battled cancer and stayed courageous for her family less beautiful than the one who spends an excess amount of time keeping their hair perfectly manicured? Does the woman who uses every face product known to man, have more beauty than the woman whose face is riddled with scars due to abuse? Here's the kicker, how about those people who are born with a mental disability that deforms the way they look. Who has the right to say that they are not beautiful? Who gave them that power?... The answer, is me. Every time I compare myself to someone else and say that I am not beautiful , because I don't look like them, I am feeding more and more fire into a lie that is TORMENTING woman, around the globe. An epidemic that is so viscous, aggressive and life threatening, yet sneaks in as subtle as a glance in the mirror. I am creating my own worst enemy, and starting today, I am NO longer a slave to an idol that is not even real. Beauty is not something that can be achieved, it is something that NEEDS to be UNLOCKED. I have learned that beauty is in every heart. It is in our DNA. There is a Great Creator, who breathed beauty into every stroke of our being and is longing for the day that we realize that being beautiful is not something we get, it's something we are. 

You are beautiful, because you are altogether lovely and pleasing to the one who created you.

Stained Glass Me

    
          Stained glass windows, though beautiful and inspiring, 

never start as so.  These works of art that line the walls of 

ancient cathedrals, were once just piles of broken glass. This 

is me in an object. A stained glass window thoughtfully 

crafted by an artist of superior skill. An artist so incredible, 

innovative and magnificent, He could see a mastepiece in a 

shattered mess. These pieces could never spring from the 

ground to make themselves beautiful. They needed that 

gentle, detailed hand to place each piece wih startegy and 

purpose creating a picture, or destiny if you will, better than 

that shattered pile ever imagined. " To all who mourn in 

Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes." Though I 

saw myelf as just a useless pile of sharp, bitter, waste, He has 

taken every trial, pain, sin and shame, and made something 

that catches the eye. Something that displays the redemptive 

heart of the artist. Each piece is still 100% me, now with 

100% Him. My brokeness a beacon of light, radiating the 

color of His love. 

The Road Less Traveled?

   19 years ago I was born into less than perfect circumstances, but set on a journey with a more than perfect plan. I have always known that there was something greater than movie stars and mansions, and although the light glistening off those blinged out lifestyles has occasionally caught my eye, the attractiveness has lost its substance. Business suits look more like straight jackets and big houses look more like prisons to me. The stage lights can only stay on for so long before the bulb burns out, and the house is only perfect until an earth quake hits. All these things that have seemed to give people their platform of power, their foundation of respect, can be built up only so high before the real world hits and they realize what they once believed to be concrete was only a disguised piece of styrophome.Don't get me wrong, there are many people who use wealth, fame and power to make a difference in the world, many who have made a difference in mine personally. That is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the people who get their identity from what they have, not who they belong to, and have the opportunity and resources to be the change the world needs, but they are too blinded by self worship to step up and do it. A wise man once said that truly living, would mean truly dying. That if I ever really wanted to gain a life of vibrancy ,depth, realness, and adventure in it's truest form, I would have to give away everything, and that the "good life" wasn't really good, unless He was a part of it. He said that good was not having everything I wanted all the time, but good was giving everything away so someone else could have what they needed. That life, is not a series of planned circumstances, where I make sure the outcome is always in my favor, but actually life is a place where His favor is always on me, regardless of the outcome of my unplanned circumstances. It's a journey, where whether you are in a fruit filled garden, or a desert of temptation, you are in a state of living, not merely existing. The last few years I have come to realize that not only am I on a journey, but I am in the middle of a war. There is something in the core of who I am that tells me, I have a part to play. It whispers in my ear, " You will change the world." Every time I hear the cries of innocent people, my hands tighten knowing that I have a shield to protect them. When I hear of the injustices that no one is stopping, my legs start to run, not away from the problem but towards the solution. I live in a culture where lies are piercing through peoples hearts and my arms get full of static electricity because I know I have a sword to cut those lies to pieces. The seal of my allegiance is engraved not on my skin, but on my heart.I am His warrior bride. This blog is to document the journey of finding what it really means to live , because I am so tired of just existing. To all the people out there who are trapped in starvation, corruption, abuse, brokenness, slavery and injustice of every kind , who are waiting to be set free, this is dedicated to you.I would rather stand alone for something I believe in , than with a million other people for something I don't. I promise I am coming. I don't know how, I don't know when, but I will not rest in the "comfort" of the American dream, until you are free.